Specialising in the human experience of Living with prostate cancer – warts and all

The End Game – 17 April 2008

with 7 comments

You prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best … and then they tell you there is no hope. It’s not easy to accept! … You talk about it and you cry … you think about it and you well up again. It is just part of the deal that one has to come to terms with.

You are going to have trouble with this post. You will either dismiss me as a nutter or you are going to be disturbed.

I first faced my mortality in 1960 when my 24 year old brother died whilst water skiing. In March of the following year, the girl I was looking to get engaged to died of a tumor on the brain. That was a lot to handle for a 18 year old.

I cannot recall the following year as I was recovering from the trauma of it all. But when I did, I began the rest of my life as a ‘realist’ learning to accept and take advantage of what life has to offer. I began my search for the meaning of life which took me nearly 40 years to figure out. (I may discuss that in a future post.)

Raised a Catholic, I believed that we are born with the capacity of ‘free choice’. Consequently, I have steadfastly refused to accept the para-normal, astrology, clairvoyants and all that stuff because if they are for real and our lives are pre-determined, we cannot have ‘free choice’. At the same time, I have been scared sh*tless with how close to the truth some of these people have been.

My first wife, and the mother of my three children, is completely into this stuff and believes she has ‘the power’. I think it is a load of crap!

Now, whilst I know it could not have happened – and I know I never dreamed about it – I am here to tell you that I have had conversations with my dead brother in the intervening 40+ years. I have no explanation. I just know it!

Even weirder, over the last couple of years, I have been haunted by repeated dreams involving Cheryl – the girl who died in 1961 – where she has appeared and told me that it was time to go with her or themes along those lines.

About a year ago, It got to me and I tried to recall that era and that girl. I searched the web for stuff about 1960 including the music of the day to try and understand why this was happening. I even discussed it with my ex-wife, the spiritualist, and my daughter to no avail.

Now, I am facing my mortality head on and this comes flooding back to me. These dreams happened BEFORE I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer.

Is it a sign from the afterlife – or is it that my mind knew this cancer was developing in me back then and has concocted the scenario trying to rationalise the reality?


Written by Greg Naylor

17 April 2008 at 11:09 pm

7 Responses

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  1. Greg it sounds like your sub-conscious mind is screaming something at you to me. What, I have no idea.
    I certainly don’t think you are a nut, far from it in fact, the notion of one’s pending mortality throws up all kinds of things for all of us, it’s part of the human condition I believe.
    The sub-conscious mind is an intensely powerful thing, did you know a lot of para-normal psychologist type folks even attribute poltergeist activity to the sub-conscious mind effecting the physical environment?
    I like to think I keep an open mind about the possibility of the afterlife and I certainly claim to know nothing, but it doesn’t sound to me like you are being “haunted”, rather it sounds like your subconscious reacting to the most terrifying reality any of us will ever have to face, the possibility of our own demise.
    Has anyone spoken to you about counselling? I think it’s maybe a sensible and wise way for you to make productive sense of what must be at times an overwhelming amount of stimulation from your sub-conscious mind.


    18 April 2008 at 2:15 am

  2. There’s nothing nutty or disturbing about that to me Greg. We all experience things we can’t explain.

    As for the question you pose in the last paragraph, well someone who has lost people so close to them like you have is bound to be affected by those experiences and the conversations & dreams could just be symptomatic of that.

    But if they’re signs from the afterlife (if one exists) then they don’t sound too bad. I imagine it would be nice to have a 19 or 20 year old waiting for you on “the other side” … and to see your brothers.

    I’m not sure what “counselling” would achieve though. You seem to be facing things as well as can be expected. Cheers.


    18 April 2008 at 2:45 am

  3. odd you’d consider counselling and facing things to be mutually exclusive Ray.


    18 April 2008 at 4:27 am

  4. Nearly 20 years ago, I did a course on counseling coming away with feeling that it was about rationalisation rather than dealing with the reality. I think I am probably better off sharing my thoughts on this blog with family and friends like you guys whilst you are prepared to listen. You are my counsellors!

    Dealing with someone in my position is a bit like being a grandparent – you play with the kids but if it gets too much, you give them back to mum and dad. When you are the subject of this deal, it is full on and it becomes your life. Even carers are entitled to ‘respite leave’ 🙂

    Greg Naylor

    18 April 2008 at 8:09 am

  5. That’s not what I meant AWOL, I meant Greg seems to be facing things so counselling seems unnecessary.


    18 April 2008 at 12:04 pm

  6. Hi Dad,

    RE YOUR COMMENT: “I have steadfastly refused to accept the para-normal, astrology, clairvoyants and all that stuff because if they are for real and our lives are pre-determined, we cannot have ‘free choice’.”

    Why does it have to be all or nothing? Could it be that we are influenced both by our free choice (conscious and unconscious) AND external factors – tangible (eg. food, weather, people) and intangible (the greater mysteries beyond our direct perception)?


    David Naylor

    19 April 2008 at 9:54 am

  7. Dave, you sound just like your mother! 😕

    You may be right, and I am questioning all that at the moment. That’s why I am questioning the stuff about Neville and Cheryl.

    Greg Naylor

    19 April 2008 at 10:20 am

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