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About cancer pain …

Today I reached a milestone on my journey – the complete realisation of the finality of my condition.

For three months, we have been experimenting on pain management medications. After trying a range of analgesics and arthritis medications, we have come back to the old reliable morphine – a slow released base level in tablet form and a quick acting syrup to handle ‘breakthrough pain’ events.

Having led a sober life never succumbing to recreational drugs – except cigarettes which I have been using since I was 15 – and have always had an aversion to medications of any kind, I have had trouble accepting that I should need to use a narcotic like morphine. After all, it is supposed to be the medically pure form of heroin, isn’t it?

Now, the reality is that I have extensive secondary bone cancer throughout my pelvic area and you don’t have to do much research to learn that bone cancer can be excruciatingly painful.

The normal routine is to manage daytime pain with panadeine and to prevent nightime events with the morphine tablets.

Today, I had a bugger of a day. I took some Panadol Osteo but it didn’t work. I was forced into taking the morphine syrup. Half an hour later, I took another dose. Whilst this eventually kicked in, I became quite out of sorts not only suffering the bone pain but the side effects of the hormone implant and the morphine: hot flushes, vomiting and all the rest.

Later in the day I was talking with one of my medical support team explaining my reluctance to become addicted to or dependent upon narcotic drugs. The response startled me! “You are already dependent on the morphine – what does it matter – you are going to need it until you die anyhow”

The penny dropped along with my jaw. This dying deal is real and my body tells me the cancer is progressing on a daily basis. I can only expect more of the pain and a corresponding greater dependence on the drug.

From here on in, if it hurts I’m taking that stuff! If I go to my maker addicted to morphine, I’m sure he will understand?